I’ve not been in Children’s Ministry for decades, but I think I’ve finally compiled a strong list of ways to keep parents from bringing kids to church:
- When the nursery kids are dropped off in their classroom, firmly plant them in a high chair and leave them there to eat Cheerios for 90 minutes.
- Force parents to look through 5 pages of check-in papers to find their kids name and check off their name with an old Abilene Credit Union pen with the end chewed off.
- Make parents hang out in classrooms with their kids until the teacher arrives 10 minutes later.
- Have volunteers repeatedly hack, cough, dry heave, and scratch their skin incessantly while they try and help children find their classrooms.
- Give each elementary child at the very least their body weight in candy while they are with you.
- When that hurried parent trying to pick up their kids as fast as possible tells you that service is over, just tell them you’re not done yet and ask them to wait patiently for 5 more minutes.
- If at all possible try and send home all craft projects with white Elmer’s glue still wet and dripping in every direction.
- Don’t take the time to remove the VBS classroom signs from three months ago, if they’re serious about finding the class for their 3 year old they’ll come upon it eventually.
- Just go ahead and let that 9 year old big brother hang out with his 2 year old sister in her preschool class.
- Let the kids use colored sharpie markers while unsupervised.
I can guarantee you with actually certainty that all of these work. Trust me, I have first-hand experience in these matters. ;)