Archives For July 2009

Widen The Circle

July 31, 2009 — 3 Comments

Disclaimer: All these thoughts originated from my study of Orange. They are specifically taken from the Essence of Family teaching given by Reggie Joiner, and can be found in his book, “Think Orange.” This is a fantastic book, and if you work with churches to reach kids then this should be your Manifesto!

—————-

Five Essential Parenting Skills

5. Widen the Circle

Deuteronomy 6:4 Hear, O Israel.

Let’s back up to Deuteronomy 6:4, for a second. Have you ever noticed this? Moses isn’t talking to just one family. He’s talking to an entire nation of people. He’s talking to families! This is where the Children’s Pastor in me gets real excited. It is clear in Moses’ language that he is challenging the entire nation with these principles.

Over time your little cute 3 year old will begin to listen to you less and less. After only a few more years, that same child will begin to listen to others and give them more respect than they will their own parents. It’s only natural. While we want to continue to speak into our kid’s lives, we also need to prepare them to hear from others that support what we believe.

I’m constantly shocked at the amount of parents that come to me with teenage children and tell me how they struggle with them constantly to live Godly lives, then I find out that those same parents have done NOTHING to ensure that their teenagers have Godly influences in their lives. What can you do? Take in a Christ following college student to live in your home, make them attend youth services (of their choice if needed), introduce them to your spiritual mentors and encourage them to talk to people besides you about the things that puzzle them.

Parents need to become intentional about finding spiritual leaders and mentors for their kids. We need to be intentional about finding the right spiritual influences for our children, where they are hearing what their parents tell them, but in a different way and from a different voice.

I choose to Widen the Circle and make sure my kids have additional influences to guide them.

In Bible, Ministry, Personal book, family, kids, Orange, parents, Reggie Joiner, teaching

Create a Rhythm

July 30, 2009 — 1 Comment

—————-

Five Essential Parenting Skills

4. Create a Rhythm

Deuteronomy 6:7 Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

As parents we need to be more conscious, more deliberate, and more innovative with our children. I can’t drag them to occasional church services, pop in the random Veggie Tales video, and expect them to grow up to be spiritual champions. It doesn’t work that way. We know that, but we struggle to live it out. Here is where the Five Essential Skills can become easily applicable. (The ReThink Group has created some great resources for driving home these 4 Family Times along with their curriculum resources.)

It doesn’t get any more practical than these Four Family Times, as laid out in Deuteronomy 6:7:

“When you sit at home.” This is meal time. What a novel idea, huh? Families eating together and interacting on a daily basis. This is the time that we as parents can take an opportunity to be a teacher to our kids. My family has tried some sort of a nightly devotional time before, but I’ve found it hard to be consistent. But making meal times a priority, I’ve found it to be a super easy way to answer questions about God’s Word, and to rehash things our kids have learned at church.
“When you walk along the road.” This is drive time. I know that DVD players in the car have revolutionized the way we travel as families. I know that I would hate making the 8 hour trek from Lubbock to Tulsa a couple of times a year without one. However, my family has turned them off permanently when driving around town. Why miss the unique time to have my child’s full attention? This is my opportunity to be my kids friend, and just talk. We talk about school, soccer, girls (or boys), the lack of trees outside, how the wind always blows, and sometimes we’ve debated whether Sponge Bob is cooler than Patrick Starfish.
“When you lie down.” This is bedtime. When we enter our kid’s bedrooms, we are really entering their world. We’re entering sacred space, and as our kids get older and older this space will become more sacred. This is the time to be my kid’s counselor, and listener. Bedtime gives me a unique chance to listen, and to pray for the things on my kid’s heart.
“When you get up.” This is morning time. Ok, time for me to be really, really honest. This is the hard one for me. I’m that guy that needs about 45 minutes alone to gather my thoughts, and fight off my weariness before diving into conversations of any kind. However, morning is the time that I have the best opportunity to coach my kids. I’ve reserved morning drive time as my coaching time. It’s when waiting in line to drop off my 1st grader at school that I tell him, “Ryan, you were born for this day. You were made for this time. God created and made you to do the things that you are going to do today. Ryan, you are more than just a somebody. You are a child of the living God!”

I will choose to Create a Rhythm so time together as a family will nurture our everyday faith.

In Bible, Ministry, Personal book, family, kids, Orange, parents, teaching

Make It Personal

July 29, 2009 — 3 Comments

—————-

Five Essential Parenting Skills

3. Make It Personal

Deuteronomy 6:6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.

These commandments have to be in my heart, before I can hand them off to my children. It has to be in me, before it can be in them. Consider this free wisdom from someone that has worked with kids for years: You must never try to impress your kids with who you want them to think you are. You can only fool them for so long. And when they find out that you’re a fraud, they’ll only resent you for it.

It’s okay for my kid to see who I really am. Especially if I want them to see the difference God is making in my life. Do your children know what your weaknesses are? If you say they don’t, then you’re only fooling yourself. What you’re bad at is obvious to everyone. I struggle with a bad temper, and can become easily frustrated when things don’t work out as I planned. Do you really think my family doesn’t already know this? They’ve probably known it longer than I have. When I decide to make my weaknesses a point of teaching my children, then I can create a new parenting strength. Every time I mess up and fail to keep my word, or fail to control my anger; I then have the opportunity to ask my children to forgive me. I don’t often miss the chance to ask my children to forgive me.

Kids need to see their parents:

Struggle with answers.

Face their weaknesses.

Deal with real problems.

Admit when they are wrong.

Fight for their marriage.

Resolve personal conflict.

My kids need to see me make relational, emotional,and spiritual growth a priority.

I choose to Make It Personal and let my kids see what God is doing in my life.

In Bible, Ministry, Personal book, family, kids, Orange, parents, Reggie Joiner, teaching

Fight for the Heart

July 28, 2009 — 1 Comment

—————-

Five Essential Parenting Skills

2. Fight for the Heart

Deuteronomy 6:5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

The only thing that separates a living faith from a ritualistic orthodoxy is one word, one idea, and one compelling force: LOVE. I know this is true, but I also know that it’s not as easily demonstrated. I have often enough put my frustration, disappointment, anger, and inadequacy on full display for my kids to see. My tendency is to always want to explain the “Why?” behind the rules, instead pointing my kids toward a loving God that seeks to protect them. The problem with reasons for the “Why?” is that you can debate them. What you cannot debate is a trusted relationship.

Moses knew that respect for the rules is a by-product of trust. In Deuteronomy 6:20-25, he addressed the very response they were to give to their children when they questioned the meaning behind the laws. Moses instructed them to remind their children of what God had done. He wanted the children to know the God behind the laws. He knew that only obedience motivated by love stood a chance to succeed.

As parents we have to demonstrate to our kids that we have rules and standards of behavior that we expect of them. But more importantly, we need to demonstrate to our kids that we love them. We need to show them that we can be trusted. But how? It’s easy really. Does your kid ever mess up? Do they ever let you down with their actions? Do they every deliberately disobey the things that you tell them to do? If they don’t then write that “How To” book, and I’ll be first in line to purchase it.

If they do screw up occasionally, then there you have it. The unpredictable and rebellious actions of my kids provide the perfect opportunity for me to demonstrate a consistent message to them. The message that I will forgive them over and over and over again. The message that I can be trusted. That I love them. When I fight for the hearts of my children, I establish a lifestyle of proving that I can be trusted.

I choose to Fight For the Heart of my family by loving God with all of my heart.

In Bible, Ministry, Personal book, family, kids, Orange, parents, teaching

Imagine the End

July 27, 2009 — 1 Comment

—————-

Five Essential Parenting Skills

1. Imagine the End

Deuteronomy 6:4 Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one.

This is one of the more recited passages in all the annuals of time. It’s frequently recited, because remembering that the LORD is God helps us to gain perspective. Isn’t it true that we naturally have a predisposition to lose focus because of our limited human perspective? I know that as a parent I can get bogged down in the day-to-day of raising my kids and I rarely take the time to imagine what the outcome of all this parenting work could bring.

I love to ask parents of adult children if they have any parenting regrets. The #1 response that I get is that things went by too fast. They usually lament that if they had only known what a uniquely short time they had with their children, that they would have done so many things differently.

Knowing that the time is short, we need to quickly gain some perspective. What is it that I really want my children to become? What values do I want them to hold as adults? What are my dreams and hopes for them? Reminding myself frequently that God is God, doesn’t cause me to stress more. It actually causes me to trust God more. He is writing the narrative of their life, and I am a part of their story. I’m one of the more important pieces of their story, but I’m not writing the outcome. God is.

My prayer is that I will learn to allow God to use me as the tool he needs to help my children grow into spiritual champions. But God can’t use me until I know what the end-game is.

I choose to Imagine the End in order to stay focused on the big picture.

In Bible, Ministry, Personal book, family, kids, Orange, parents, Reggie Joiner, teaching