Archives For words

On Being a Dad

June 13, 2013 — Leave a comment

Lunarbaboon-Glimpse

 

Image: Lunarbaboon…

It began on May 26th, 2002, when my oldest son Ryan was born. Really, it began months prior to that with all the normal “being a father” fears being realized.

Will I know how to answer all his questions?

Will I be a good father?

Will my children always know I love them?

What if something happens to me and I’m not here to raise them?

The good news, even though I’m not totally sure of the answers to those questions, is that life moves fast enough that I couldn’t dwell on them. Being a father has changed me in ways that very few other things have. Having these three kids in my house has forced me to realize a few important things:

My words matter. I knew this in my first few hours of being a married man, but my words really became heavy when my kids arrived. My jokes matter, my prayers matter, my encouragement matters, my discipline matters, and all in a way that they never really did before.

I can set the tone. I bear the responsibility of what my home feels like. I can decide what mood we are in just by what mood I’m in. This gives me pause each day when I arrive in my house, because I know this won’t always be the case as my kids get older and more independant.

What I do today affects tomorrow. It’s amazing what my kids remember that I don’t. Everyday is an investment into tomorrow. I want my teenagers to talk to me when they are teenagers, so I’m trying really hard to make that happen when they are 7, 9 and 11.

Time with them is important. I’ve learned that 30 minutes at bedtime is more valuable than any 2 hour Skype chat or Facetime interaction. Being with them is sometimes the only thing I have to bring, and thankfully it’s usually all they want.

 

Calling all fathers. Anything being a Dad has taught you? 

 

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Protecting Marriage

June 5, 2013 — Leave a comment

JonathanStarr

Often the most overlooked parts of our unique parenting style, is the marriage aspect. We read books on parenting, we talk to other parents about our kids, and we laugh together about all of our parenting misadventures. However, we don’t often put an equal amount of energy into our marriage.

We’d all agree that we want our kids to see a good marriage. Nobody wants their kids to see an eventual divorce, broken homes, constant bickering, and angry conversations. But, what does it look like for kids to see a good marriage? Is it public displays of affection? A little kissing, and a dad that does the dishes?

I believe it’s much more than any of that.

It’s conflict resolution. Spouses will argue, and if they are really passionate arguers it will be loud. All couples have disagreements, frustrations with each other, and even an occasional misunderstanding. We should limit how much a part of our lives are described by the previous reasons, but we all know those things will happen. The solution to making conflict work in your families is to let your kids see the compromises made, the apologies given, and the grace applied.

It’s serving even when it’s not convenient. It’s as easy as getting that second glass of iced tea before they ask for it, and as difficult as taking an entire weekend to help the family accomplish a task that your wife is asking for. Serve your spouse in front of your kids, and the less convenient it is…the more of an impact it can have on them when they see it!

It’s spoken words of love. Sure, show your love with some actions, but fill the cup with overflowing in the words department. Say it. Tell her you love her. Tell him he’s awesome. Let the words between you and your spouse be words of life and love. You should also let the words of love flow, even when your only audience is the kids!

It’s including them in the love story. Once upon a time…I met my wife. There is a lot of story there, but the story really takes off when my little ones starting arriving. My 3 kids are one of the best parts of the love story that Starr and I are writing together. I let my kids know, that each time one of them entered the world…my love for their mother increased yet again. I love her more, because I have them in my family.

It’s putting them 2nd. Here is the importance ranking in my house. Starr is #1. Kids are scattered in somewhere at #2. Then everyone else is a distant #3. But the #2 ranked kids aren’t even close to their #1 ranked mother. It’s not #1a and #1b. It’s her first, always first, never last, and the one that will be with me forever. She’s the only person in the house that makes it all work for me. This doesn’t hurt my kids self-esteem, it builds it up.

Anything you’d add to the list? How do we protect our marriage in front of our kids?

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Sucky Parent Syndrome

May 28, 2013 — Leave a comment

THIS-IS-HARD

Parents are struggling to feel like they do a good job. How do I know that? Easy. I’m a parent. I know I’m not terrible, but I’m so far from being who’d I like people to think I am. I lose my temper to often. I forget what’s really important too many times to count.

I keep trying. I keep learning, and I’ve learned to get really good at asking for forgiveness. This is the world that I live in, and it’s a familiar place for many other parents. Yet, I’m not depressed…in fact, I’m far from sad about it. I’ve learned to keep striving for the ideal and perfect, while accepting that I will never be able to actually get there.

My reason? Jesus. Jesus was forever calling us to live the ideal. He said children should obey parents, and wives should serve their husbands, and husbands should lay it all down for their wife, and fathers should speak words of grace to their children. All these things he called for, we often fail at.

Why would he call me to something so unbelievablely difficult to maintain?

Because He wants us to strive for the ideal. He knows we can’t even come close when we rely on our own strength. We need him to lead and guide us. He doesn’t judge us by our ability to be ideal, he judges us by our willingness to accept him or not.

You and I are not bad parents, but we are so much better when we let God lead us in our parenting. When we continue to grow in our relationships with our father God, then we continue to grow in our relationship as a father. When we learn to let God lead us, we learn to lead those around us.

Don’t give up on the ideal. 

 

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Getting Your Kids to Talk to You

March 11, 2013 — 1 Comment

Talking

I’m a very verbal person, often needing to speak a few thousand words to ever get to my original point. My proneness to being verbal, has also helped me immensely as a parent. As a parent, it’s always a challenge to get your kids to talk with you. Parents of younger kids will think, “What? I can’t get my 1st grader to stop talking!”, but I’m talking about real-life conversations about important things. Do you give your kids the opportunity to have conversations with you?

 

Here are 3 fool-proof ways to create an atmosphere of words in your home

Set aside a time each day that conversation can actually take place. For the Cliff family this is dinner time, yes we still sit together and eat dinner, and bedtime. At those times, we force our lives to slow down or stop altogether, so that we can talk. The dinner conversations are family conversations, and the bedtime conversations are more personal in nature. This is a rhythm our family already has in place, and it’s easy to make it our word friendly moments.

Capture stories worth telling your family. Just last night I talked with the kids about a news article I had read about a young man that got into some serious trouble, because of where he was caught; even though he wasn’t actually doing anything wrong. It wasn’t meant to be dark, but it opened up tons of questions about the friends we keep. Because, ya know…“Your friends determine the direction and quality of your life.”

Ask questions at every conceivable opportunity. The story I refereneced above led itself to tons of questions that I simply asked my kids and then sat back and listened to their responses. I’m not talking about “Why did you do that?” type of questions, I’m suggesting the “What do you think about this?” with this being whatever you were telling them about.

I only have one piece of advice to parents everywhere that may be reading this. The best time to start these habits with your family is the day you bring your kids home from the hospital. Set that car seat up at the table, and talk to your spouse and the rest of the family. It will be a few years before they can answer questions, but you are establishing rhythms that will last for years to some. All this is true, but the next best time to start is right now. If you missed the opportunity early on, then just start now and keep going.

I understand that some teenagers are less than willing to share in conversations with you, that’s why I’d encourage you to just start where you are. If you’ve not established this, you will be coming from behind and you are definitely an underdog; but don’t give up. Find reasons to discover your teenagers opinion and ideas on anything and everything you can!

 

I’d also suggest visiting PBS Parents: Strategies for Talking with your Kids.

 

 

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2013 CPC Live Streaming

February 18, 2013 — Leave a comment

I have a real heart for those that work in churches and work with children. I’ve done it before myself, and I know what it takes and what it takes out of a leader. I know what it’s like to dread Saturday night phone calls, and to find yourself teaching in 5 minutes because somebody didn’t show up. For all of you out there that find these words resonating with you, then I’ve got a special treat for you!

CPCLIVESTREAMING

One of the greatest resources for Children’s Pastors is now available in your living room. My friend, and Executive Director of INCM, Michael Chanley is letting us in on 5 sessions this year. Just visit http://my.cmconnect.org/page/streaming at the scheduled times below and hang out with some great leaders from around the world!

Monday, February 18 at 6 PM 

General Session #1 “Impart God’s truth to this generation”

save to calendar | buy this session

Tuesday, February 19 at 7:00 PM 

General Session #3 “Communicate with families”

save to calendar | buy this session 

Wednesday, February 20 at 6:15 PM 

General Session #5 ”Pray for the international children’s ministry community”

save to calendar | buy this session

Thursday, February 21 at 9:45 AM 

General Session #6 “I’m IN!”

save to calendar | buy this session

 Shop the INCM Resource Community to get DVDs, CDs and MP3s of all the breakouts and trainings. All of CPC12 and CPC13 (Orlando only) are currently available. CPC13 San Diego will be available in the next couple of weeks.

 

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